The student voice of Vista del Lago High School

The Raven's Call

Bullying, Depression, Suicide: My Story

Marco Rodriguez, Staff Writer

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It was March 20, 2009, I was watching Sesame Street before falling asleep on my mom’s bed because I was scared of “El Cucuy” the mexican Boogeyman. At around 3 a.m. the next morning, my mom was worried about my dad, he was usually back from work before 2, but he never returned. He got into a car crash when coming back home from work. As soon as we heard the news, my family and I went to the Riverside Community Hospital. I didn’t know what was going on but everyone was rushing and the look on everyone’s faces seemed gloomy. Then, my mom came for me tears in her eyes and said, “ Your dad wants you.”

I went, not knowing what to expect. Confusion and fear raced through my mind. I saw him laying in the hospital bed, beat up, blood on his face and body all bruised up. I dragged my feet as I walked up to him. As he struggled to speak, a quiet, muffled sound, he said, “Marquitos, I love you so much, I remember the day you were born. The first time I laid my eyes on you I fell in love. Your a really smart, bright, and incredible kid. Grow up to be whatever you want to be and you’ll accomplish anything. Just be happy and be who you are, I love you, papi.” As he continued to gasp for air and struggled to survive, a low, long beep was in the background. Those, precious words, were soon his last. I was shaking him screaming “Papi, Papi.” I couldn’t believe he left me he was gone. My grandpa had to carry me out, I was in tears, crying harder than I ever had before. Everything changed since that day.

When the gloomy, bummed ride back from the hospital was over, I isolated myself from everything. Attempting to wake up from the horrible dream. My mom did the same. She didn’t go to work for about two weeks. When we finally got the motivation and strength to pick ourselves up again, I returned to school. I just sat away from my friends isolating myself from everyone and everything. The pain that I felt was just so hard to take in at that age, being at that age I was supposed to be laughing for no reason and be dumb and happy. I needed a counselor but It didn’t help me out at all. It just felt like someone was sticking their nose into something that they shouldn’t, I just didn’t accept it at all. Then, there was problems happening at my house with my mom and my dad’s family as they never liked her. So one year after my father’s death, my mom and I moved out for the house and lived with my grandmother.

With moving to a new home comes to moving to a new school and I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want change, I just wanted everything to be the same. Then I moved to Sunnymeadows Elementary School and well kids were mean.They would call me fat, too nice, and would call me a “goody goody” since I never liked to get in trouble and was always the teacher’s pet. Because of this, I would always cry because I believed that I didn’t have anyone to talk to or a support system and we were in so many problems with my dad’s family. I felt like everything was crashing down.

I got through Elementary School but now I had to face Middle School the years that I believed changed my life. Again through middle school I met many new people and still seen some of the same people from elementary. Still in Middle School I was still made fun of my size, weight , and again my personality by calling me “gay” even though I wasn’t. Then that’s when I  fell in love with girls. I met my first crush in English and it was good until I asked her out and she said “no” because I was ugly. Throughout middle school every girl I liked, I always got rejected by because of my size and being called ugly. This is when I started opening up to people too, and I began to trust people. Then again I would get backstabbed by everyone I “trusted” and began having major trust issues and I still do.

Finally, I made some good friends to make me happy and I know who was going to be there for me. I always thought that it was going to last forever but nothing last forever. We moved out of my grandmother’s house during the summer of 8th grade and believed everything was going to be great, it was great but it came with consequences. I realized that with moving that I was going to move high schools that I was going to so that means that I was going to be separated again from my friend’s. I tried to see if I can go to Moreno Valley High School and I couldn’t because it was too far away. I again cried and cried but I tried something new from all the bullying to leaving my friends again I felt like it was my fault. I had to take it on myself and I got a knife and cut myself. The pain felt good so good at the time as it hurt,me physically but it made me feel so good mentally. The blood dripping just felt pleasant.

This lead me into the worst feeling in my life. I just felt worthless, unwanted, and lonely throughout the year just hiding everything from everyone. I just pretended I was happy so no one would worry about my health condition. I would wear sweaters everyday just to cover up all the scars I got from cutting myself. Then I began to get suicidal thoughts everything that was happening. I just wished that my horrible life ended, I believed that  no one could help me, i believed that I was the ugliest human in the world, and I believed that no one liked me. I just wished my life was perfect and just to be how it was but it wasn’t.

During the Summer entering 9th grade was just horrible. I missed all of my friends and all of the school memories. I was even more sad when I realized that no one I knew was going to Vista and just wanted everything to end. One Day I realized that my mom had a Pistol in her room and I just wanted to commit suicide. So I went into her room and looked for the gun and I did find it in one of her boxes. So i loaded the gun and put it next to my head crying thinking about all the bad memories. I believed that this was going to help me. I pulled the trigger but the thing was that I didn’t check that if there was ammo in it and when I did check there wasn’t any bullets. Then I saw my puppy just looking at me and I realized that if there was bullets in the gun I could’ve hurt someone more than me I could’ve hurt my family and all of my loved ones who cared for me.

After that I never thought about suicide but I still had my problems such as moving to a school and not knowing anyone. The first 3 months of high school, I would always hang out by myself since I didn’t know anyone at the time. The thing that really changed my whole perspective of everything is actually talking to people. I was always anti social and negative that i didn’t see the positivity of other people. I have made lots and lots of new friends here and I am very grateful for that.

I know now that the world isn’t an evil place anymore. There is more to the world that meets the eye. You just have to keep positive surround yourself with people that can keep you up. I felt better knowing that there were people that are going to support me and I just need to open up to people and give trust to people.

Also, seek for help because you are never alone. People have gone through the same things that you have gone through. I Learned that you can’t do anything by myself as you need other people in your life. Like one you get a job you must work with other employees and you must communicate with others to live in this world. Isolating yourself isn’t always the answer and keeping yourself away from everyone and everything that is happening.

Music also helped me get through all of this when I had my “Quest for Positivity” Playlist and it would always make me feel better. I wouldn’t listen to hateful music that are in the media today,I would listen to stuff that was high beat or had a positive message which is hard to find in music today but I would listen to Electronic. This was the best for me as it didn’t have any messages but it had really good beats that just made me feel good and want to dance.

Just love the life that you live in as you have been given things that you have appreciated. Sometimes we go through things that are hard like deaths, betrayals, break ups, and family problems but everything will get better. That’s the whole point of life is to overcome hardships.

Bullying, for example, to stop it you just need to have your friends by your side or tell an adult. Bullying is hard to get through alone. I’ve tried and it was hard to get over just get a support system if you ever get bullied and do something early about it and prevent it from getting worse.

Suicide is a serious topic that needs to be stopped as it is the second leading cause of death among teens. Being a teen it’s hard as you’re growing up and begin to experience the new world and mature to become an adult. It’s hard to take in and also with drama at school and people’s opinions and problems we decide to take it on ourselves. Suicide is one of those issues and I believe that you need to be around your friends and family and talk to them in your need. There’s even a Suicide Prevention Line if you don’t feel comfortable talking to people you know. There is always help and we need to understand that and someone ones were so misunderstood that we take our own life because of this. Please think about it everything in your life if you attempt it or get suicidal thoughts.Talk to someone

I’ve experienced so many things: some good and the others horrible, but I’ve learned a lot. You need to communicate with others and be happy about life. You can’t let anything bring you down and you just need to be positive. Even when everything is going wrong and you feel like everything is going against you keep fighting and you’ll succeed as you keep trying. It’s helped me a lot and I’ve changed from everything I’m happier person by doing all of this and if you are going through some of the things that I’ve been through please try or follow some of the things that I have done.

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The student voice of Vista del Lago High School
Bullying, Depression, Suicide: My Story